As anxious as I was to hold my baby in my arms as the time of his birth was approaching, there was another thought in some corner of my mind – Once outside, I will have to share him with the world, he will no more be just mine.He belonged only to me, all his movements only I could feel when he was nestled inside me.Now others will lay their claim on him too. Maybe he would love his dad more than me. Silly thought as it was, but it was there.
My son is 3.5 years old now.
As he is growing up, he is becoming more aware of himself, wontmore independent.I was relieved when he made his first unaided trip to the bathroom, but again this feeling of being left out – “So he won’t call out for me when nature calls won’t need me.”
More often than not, as I lifted my cup of tea to my lips , before one sip made it through my throat, it had a side effect on this little boy whose bladder became suddenly full- “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom”.There runs cold my tea.All this time I was waiting for this day when he can go on his own,t hen why this feeling.
As I left him in the daycare each morning, he used to run back,cry,cling to me, never letting me go.One morning, he didnt turn back, lost in the group of children. I stood, waiting to waive him goodbye, but he was too busy with friends.
Thank God that day had finally arrived when I left him with his eyes dry , but only to find my tears pricking my eyelids- So he forgot me when he met his friends!!
Am I crazy, out of my mind – waiting for these milestones all the time and resenting it when it happens.A part of me wants him only for me, rest of the world excluded.How dare other kids share him with me.
Now I complain that he never lets us watch a movie peacefully. The signal from pressing of the Play button of the TV remote reaches him before the TV and creates in him an urge for riding, and me or dad end up being on our hands on knees, well-behaved docile horses.He knows that a little exercise will do us good.He doesnt want his parents to be couch potatoes.
Both of us parents mumble and complain today.But before we come to know, maybe tomorrow, he wont be home most of the time, he will be out playing with kids.Then I will long for him to get back and speak a few words to me.Leave alone all the movies of the world.
I am proud of every step he takes towards his independence, but somewhere the selfish, silly, possessive woman in me raises her head.I have to shut her out.He is my child, but he is a separate individual.I don’t and I should not try to own him.
I know before long he will be ready to move out into the world.
That is what I am raising him for – to carve out a life of his own, to become successful, independent.
I am reminded of a part of a nursery rhyme I learned as a child, where a mother bird teaches her little baby to fly, a part of it goes like this –
“Mother wait a little longer,
Till my little wings are stronger,
Then I will fly away.”
I know you have to fly away but don’t you dare forget this nest ever.